I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
