I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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