Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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