so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What a dumb baby whore.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
