he puts the penis in happiness.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
