You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
