How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
