Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
