Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
