I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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