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i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
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