Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus