Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
