i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize