I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
