I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
