i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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