You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
