I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Randomize
