She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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