I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
