I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
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Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
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You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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