I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
