Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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