i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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