I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think a kid would responsible me up
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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