Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
