Please, let me fuck your mom
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
