Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
