I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
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