Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
