I met the friendliest cop last night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
