if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
