I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
