It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
