I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
