When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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