Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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