the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
cat food counts as protein by the way
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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