I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You're like the curious george of whores
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
