my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
