dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We don't watch enough power rangers
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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