I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize