Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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