All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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