i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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