well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
