Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
