Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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