doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
