What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
