I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
