I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
