she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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