we have pet lesbian snakes
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
