I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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