I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
