I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
